I’ve been sick the past few days and have neglected to keep up with my writing for the A to Z Blogging Challenge. It seemed to work out, though, as these three letters kind of go together: they all express needs that people with mental illness have at some point: the need for deeper conversation; the need for patience; and the need for quiet. So, here are my entries for the past few days.

O is for OK

“I’m here today, expect it to stay on, and on, and on
I’m tired, I’m tired
Looking out on the substitute scene
Still going strong
XO Mom
It’s OK, it’s alright, nothing’s wrong”

— Waltz #2 (XO) by Elliott Smith

From one of my favorite songs of all time, these lyrics have resonated with me throughout my life in times of depression. Elliott Smith was able to write the words that I felt, but was unable to express. Elliott, who lived with depression and addiction issues, was probably not “OK” when he wrote this song. There is so much sadness and darkness embedded in his simple declaration to his mother that everything is okay. But, we, the listener, know it’s not okay.

We know that “OK”s and “I’m fine”s are simple cover-ups. They’re band-aid statements, when we know that there are deeper wounds that lie beneath. Do these band-aid statements serve us other than to keep a comfortable distance from the truth? No. I think we need to rid them from our vocabulary. We need to stop saying “I’m fine”. Stop saying “I’m okay,” when we’re not actually okay.

Let’s be honest with ourselves and with each other. When you’re not okay, say that you’re not okay. Tell people when you’re tired. Tell people when you’re weary. Tell us when life is too much to bear right now, and we’ll listen. There are people who will believe you. There are people who care about you. There are people who will sit with you and remind you that you’re not alone, and that you have intrinsic worth on this planet.

If you’re a caregiver, family member, or friend who doesn’t know what to do when you hear “I’m okay” or “I’m fine”: don’t settle for it. Ask if we’re really “fine”, or if there’s something more on our minds. Ask us how we’re really doing, even if you know the answer might be hard to hear. And, if you’re worried if someone is pretending to be okay, know this: not pretending will be obvious. It will be obvious when we’re doing well.

And, when we tell you how we’re doing, remind us that we’re not alone. Remind us that you believe in us. Remind us that we have intrinsic worth on this planet.

P is for Patience

Living or being close to someone with a mental illness can be daunting sometimes. I know that I’m not easy to deal with. I know that I’m not a carefree, low-maintenance friend or partner or family member. I’m a sore thumb and I’m used to it, and I know it can take a toll on the people around me. I know that I cause others to worry, to feel uncomfortable, and to feel helpless when I’m at my worst. And I wish it were different.

But, I also know, that my life still brings value to those around me. I know that I bring joy and love and happiness to the people close to me on my good days. And I know that, because of that, I’m still wanted. I’m still valued. I’m still loved.

So, what I need is patience on those bad days. Patience and understanding. I need you to remember that I won’t always be stuck in the darkness — that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel that I’m just trying to find.

And, I know that you need patience, too. Patience and understanding. I know that you need me to remember that this is a lot for you to deal with sometimes — that sometimes you feel helpless and are waiting for that light at the end of the tunnel, too. I know you want to help me find the light, and that sometimes it’s just not possible yet.

So, let’s allow each other a little patience and understanding, until we can get to that better place together.

Q is for Quiet

Sometimes I need things to be quiet. Sometimes I need some space. This doesn’t mean I don’t love you. This doesn’t mean I will always be this way. Just, sometimes, I need a little quiet.

Sometimes I need quiet to think, to restore my soul, to recharge. It means I’ll be less engaged for awhile, but it doesn’t mean I want to sever my ties with you. It doesn’t meant I will always be this way. Just, sometimes, I need a little quiet.

Sometimes I need quiet because I’m overwhelmed; because the cacophony of voices inside my head are making it hard for me to focus on anything. This might mean that it’s hard for me to focus on you during this time, but it doesn’t mean that I won’t have time for you in the future. It doesn’t mean I will always be this way. Just, sometimes, I need a little quiet.

Sometimes I need quiet because I’m in panic mode; because I’m on edge and everything seems to be triggering me. I might need some time to get back on track, to breathe (in, two, three four…hold, two, three, four…out, two, three, four). It doesn’t mean I will always be this way. Just, sometimes, I need a little quiet.

Sometimes I need things to be quiet. Sometimes I need some space. This doesn’t mean I don’t love you. This doesn’t mean I will always be this way. Just, sometimes, I need a little quiet.