Living with mental illness
My adventures in living with mental illness; namely Bipolar II disorder, PTSD, and trichotillomania.
I thought I’d be better at doing nothing. When I was overworked and overwhelmed at my job, I would fantasize about days where I had nothing to do. But, now that I actually have (next to) nothing to do, I find myself really unhappy.
Read MoreI looked back and I saw a woman. She was afraid, trapped, suffocating. She had been abused. She had been used. She had been manipulated. Every day she was living at the end of her rope, trying desperately to hold on for dear life.
Read MoreIt’s been awhile since I’ve talked about this illness or disease or compulsion or whatever it is. So, I suppose it’s time for an update. If you’re just tuning in, and don’t know what that long T-word is, it means that I often get an overwhelming urge to pull out my hair. When I get that urge, I usually act on it, pulling out hair from my head. I also have the compulsion to pick and scratch at my scalp, targeting (and sometimes causing) any scabs or imperfections I find.
Read MoreLiving with mental illnesses, I often lose sight of what’s realistic—whether it’s expectations for myself, or for the world around me. I tend to live in a dream world — or, rather, nightmare world — out of touch with reality.
Read MoreI’ve been sick the past few days and have neglected to keep up with my writing for the A to Z Blogging Challenge. It seemed to work out, though, as these three letters kind of go together: they all express needs that people with mental illness have at some point: the need for deeper conversation; the need for patience; and the need for quiet. So, here are my entries for the past few days.
Read MoreThere’s a very thin line between stability and crumbling back into a depressed and anxious mess that I walk every day. It involves a tremendous amount of energy to stay balanced. Every day I have to choose whether it is worth it to keep going with that stability. Not taking care of myself is always the easier option but, I know what that feels like, and I know I don’t want to feel that way again. I don’t want to vacillate between feeling 1,000 emotions at once and feeling completely numb…it just doesn’t feel good.
Read MoreIt's been stormy in my brain lately. Full of fear. Full of anxiety. As you probably noticed, I didn't write last week, and that was because I was so engulfed in the storms of my brain that nothing would come out. I could barely come out of my shell and make it to my therapy program. On my one day off of therapy last week (last Thursday, when I usually publish my blog posts) I spent the day sleeping...all day. I would wake up and eat a meal and then go back to sleep. It didn't feel like any sort of human existence that I would recommend.
Read MoreAt the time of writing this I've almost been through one whole week of my Intensive Outpatient (Psychiatric) Program. It has been a roller coaster of a week, feeling all sorts of emotions...even ones that I didn't realize I had in me. When I first started the program I was completely anxious about going through therapy with a bunch of strangers and sharing scary parts of my life with them but, to my surprise, it's gotten easier. Why? Because each time I share something, there's at least one person who has been where I've been, or are currently in the same spot. And there are so many instances where others have shared something and I've nodded my head with–eyes welled up with tears–and thought, "me too."
Read MoreI'm at the bottom of the outside edge of a crater staring up. In front of me are 1,020 steep and uneven stairs to get to the top of the crater's edge. The climb is almost completely vertical (at least it feels that way). The "stairs" are wooden boards shoved underneath an old railway track of some kind. They are not up to code. Some are wonky, some don't have any ground beneath them, and some of them force you to practically climb up them with your hands. This is my hike for the day: to make it up all of those steps, (and climb a little further) to get to a supposedly amazing viewpoint.
Read MoreIn one week I will be taking a medical leave of absence and checking into an intensive outpatient psychiatric program. While I don't know all of the details of the program yet, I know that it involves various types of therapy sessions several days a week, and will last at least a month. This is hard for me to admit; it's hard for me to share. I have just as many preconceived notions about what this program will look like as you're probably having right now. (Movies involving hokey portrayals of group therapy sessions come to mind.) But, despite my preconceived notions, and despite the anxiety I have about participating in something like this, I know it's what I need to do. I know it's what I need to do if I have any chance of getting better.
Read MoreI had two big realizations recently. The first is this: all of this time that I've been living with mental illness, I was under the assumption that I would be cured someday. Cured of depression, anxiety, trichotillomania, and everything else I live with. I thought it was all just a sickness (like coming down with the flu), and if I found the right combination of medications and participated in the right combination of therapies, I would eventually be fixed and function like a normal human someday. But then, it hit me: what if I can't be cured? What if my mental illness is not like a sickness, but something inside me that is permanently broken—something that will always be a part of my life? What if I'm broken in a way that can't be completely fixed?
Read MoreI have a thing for transitions. Musical transitions, that is, on albums. You know those magical moments when one song seamlessly fades into the next one? Or, if you're listening to a playlist, you hear a song that perfectly follows the previous song; it's like they were meant to be together.
Read MoreIt's Christmas Eve day today: the time to celebrate the birth of Jesus. My family has a tradition of observing this holiday by going to a beautiful candlelit service at church and singing hymns of rejoicing. Joy to the world, the Lord has come. But I don't feel joy. I don't feel like celebrating much. And I don't go to those candlelit church services anymore, because I know that all I will feel is pain, sadness, and anxiety.
Read MoreFor most of my life, religion (specifically Christianity) has been a part of who I am. I was baptized as an infant; grew up going to church every weekend; went to a Christian university for undergrad; and was a youth ministry leader for many years. You may be wondering what this has to do with my mental health, and I suppose the answer is that my faith and mental health have always had a complicated relationship with each other.
Read MoreOne of the hardest parts of living with anxiety and depression is coming to terms with reality; realizing my own limitations because of my illnesses. When I was young, I was told that I could be anything I wanted to be—no dream was too big—and I believed that. I started compiling a long list of dream jobs early on: a veterinarian, a musician/singer, a ballerina, an actor/comedian, a fashion designer, a philosopher, a chef, a writer...the list goes on. I have always had plenty of ideas of what I want to do (in a perfect world, I'd do them all) but the struggle has been figuring out what I can do.
Read MoreLast week I wrote about a recent bad depressive episode that I experienced. This week, I want to give some back-story, so you can have a little more insight into how I got there. I know, technically, prologues are supposed to go before the actual story but, for some reason, I felt like this is the order in which the story needed to be told. So, maybe it's an epilogue. I'm not entirely sure.
Read MoreI'm curled into a ball on the chair in the corner of my bedroom. I'm in my pajamas that I've worn for the past 24 hours. And, of course, I haven't showered in those past 24 hours. My eyes are puffy and my face is wet from the tears that I've been crying for no particular reason other than it hurts to be alive right now. I'm full of emotion: sadness, hopelessness, fear, anger, guilt; but, at the same time, I feel numb. I feel everything and nothing all at the same time. I am one flaming-hot mess.
Read MoreLast week, I shared a bit about my scoial anxiety and a particular example of how it manifested while I was at a large gathering. But, my social anxiety doesn't just come up in these "typical" social situations, it comes up everywhere. When I'm feeling anxious, any situation where I'm around other humans can raise my anxiety: grocery shopping, the lunch room at work, or even walking down the street. When I feel anxious, people don't feel safe to me. And, since I live in a sizeable city, there are a lot of people around, which means I spend a lot of time afraid. On the "better" days, I'm afraid that the people I encounter will judge me or think that I'm stupid. On my worst days, I'm afraid that people will hurt me. It's completely irrational, but so hard to turn off. The following is a small slice of what it's like for me on a typical day when I'm feeling anxious.
Read MoreI've been watching Call the Midwife lately on the Netflix and, as I was making my way through the first season's Christmas special, this quote from dear Chummy (my favorite character) jumped out at me. Although the subject matter was slightly different in the episode, I thought that this was a perfect description of my own struggles with social anxiety: dreading being noticed and fearing you aren't visible at all. This paradoxical feeling—the desire to be seen and not be seen at the same time—is the core of my social anxiety. Most days I live with this feeling wrapped so tightly around my chest, it feels like a boa constrictor hugging me from the inside.
Read MoreThere have been some awesome comics about mental illness that have popped up in my news feeds lately, so I thought I'd share them with you all. I share them because sometimes having visuals like these brings a new level of meaning or depth to a story (especially when dealing with a subject that is seemingly intangible). These comics have done that for me. Click on the images to see the comics in their entirety.
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